If you’re new to the world of butt stuff, booty play, or whatever language feels good for you to use for anal stimulation and/or sex, it can feel a little intimidating to know where to begin.
Your booty hole has one of the highest concentrations of nerve endings in your entire body, and with this amount of nerve endings comes the potential for equally high levels of sensation, and therefore, high levels of pleasure.
Of course, with this high concentration of nerve endings as well, comes potential for discomfort and pain. Without proper understanding of how your booty operates and how to safely explore the pleasure available in this part of your body, we’re often quite hesitant to indulge in booty play for fear of the pain or discomfort we assume might come with it.
Another reason why we might be hesitant to explore this region is because, let’s just be real, we’re nervous about the poop of it all.
By gaining a deeper understanding of booty and anal anatomy, as well as where and how we can access pleasure during booty play, we can start to explore our bodies more safely, and potentially unlock a whole new side of our sexual selves and our pleasure.
While your butt consists of thousands of nerve endings, for our “beginner’s guide” purposes there are two primary muscles involved in booty play and stimulation. We’ll refer to them as the inner muscle (internal sphincter) and outer muscle (external sphincter).
Both of these muscles respond to our moods and our stress levels almost immediately at any given time, most often without our awareness. Think of when you feel stressed, or shocked, or nervous; you probably tend to clench your booty. It’s a natural reflex. By contrast then, when you’re more relaxed, your butt tends to be too.
The outer sphincter, the one we can see and touch on the outside of our butt hole, is relatively easy for us to control if all systems are functioning properly. When we notice we’re squeezing this muscle for some reason, or if we want to squeeze this muscle (perhaps until we get to a restroom), we’re usually readily able to without much struggle. And thank goodness, otherwise we’d be taking quite the gamble every time we left the house.
The inner sphincter however, is a little more difficult to consciously control, but it’s just as reactive to our moods and stress levels as our outer sphincter tends to be. Tightness in this muscle tends to fly relatively under the radar in comparison to the outer muscle in our general day to day, so it’s less apparent to us when this one is holding tension. It does, however, become quite apparent when we’re engaging in booty play of any kind, which is why we start our beginner’s guide by prompting relaxation, to help release any tension that you might be carrying in your booty without realising it.
Here are some ways to relax your booty before you begin playing:
BREATH
The breath is often one of the best ways to intentionally relax any part of the body, and your booty is no different. Simple breath techniques that target the parasympathetic nervous system (the body’s “chill out” system) are extremely useful in relaxing your booty muscles prior to sexy time.
Sitting comfortably or laying down, start by closing your eyes and finding your breath. Breathing in through the nose and out through the mouth, try lengthening your exhale just a little longer than your inhale with each round of breath. It can be useful to count (in for 3, out for 6) or just to focus on dragging it out a little longer each time. Focus on your breath and lengthening your exhale for 1-4 minutes continuously.
BOOTY MASSAGESome general massage on the lower back, butt cheeks, and legs will do wonders for relaxing your booty. Massage oils or oil-based lube can be great for general massage that concentrates on the larger muscles around the booty hole, rather than the booty hole itself.
GENTLE MOVEMENT
Having a little movement session prior to booty play can be very helpful in helping the body unwind prior to sex. Put on some soft, sensual music, and do some gentle swaying, moving/circling of the hips, some cat/cow stretches, or even spend some time in a happy baby pose or curled up in a ball. Using whatever type of movement feels relaxing to your body can help muscle tension soften slowly and naturally.
Once you’ve taken some time to relax your body, you might feel more ready to start exploring some external booty stimulation.
This will also help in the process of relaxing your booty muscles, so try to ease into stimulation with softer, more gentle touching at first.
Some tips for beginning external booty stimulation (either solo or partnered):
COMMUNICATE
As always, communication is the first step in any form of stimulation. Have a chat (or a think if solo) about what sorts of touch feel good for you/your partner(s), and what your comfort levels are with safe-sex devices. Finger condoms or latex non-powdered gloves are great options for safe booty play!
LUBRICANT IS YOUR FRIEND
No matter if we’re sticking to external touch, or moving toward penetrative stimulation (with fingers, dilators, penises, dildos etc), lube should be the first thing you reach for and will be your bestie during booty play. Water or silicone-based lubricant (such as Tussle’s Playmate lube) is best for any form of penetrative stimulation (oil-based lubes can weaken or break condoms, and can cause skin irritation/reactions/infections when used internally).
GENTLE TOUCH
Use the pads of your fingers and/or thumb to start gently stimulating the external booty muscles. Small circles, gentle strokes with fingers or knuckles, light tickles or flicks, and swiping motions with the side of the hand, can all be extremely pleasurable.
USING YOUR MOUTH
Using your mouth for external stimulation can also be extremely pleasurable. Similarly to using your finger, small circles of the tongue, gentle licks, fluttering of the tongue or softly blowing on the booty can all enhance pleasure and relax both the inner and the outer muscles. If at any point you start to feel stressed and/or overwhelmed, pause or stop the stimulation, and return to the breath practice suggested above. Only begin stimulation again once you’re feeling relatively calm and ready.
WHEN THE BOOTY SAYS YES
If you’re wondering how to tell whether your booty, or your partner’s booty, is wanting or ready for penetration of any kind, there are actually a couple of ways you’ll be able to tell. Firstly, if you’re engaging in partnered sex, ask your partner if they’re ready, or desiring, booty penetration of any kind, and if they’re ready. They may be interested, but wanting more external stimulation prior to moving in this direction. They may be happy with what’s happening and not desire penetration, or they may be begging for penetration by this point - the best way to know is to ask, and it can be so sexy to ask.
Next, If you’re solo and feeling ready for penetration, or if your partner expresses desire for penetration, we can feel whether the booty is saying yes to penetration by gently placing a finger on the booty hole and feeling whether it starts to open up for your finger. If it seems to welcome your finger in, this is a sign that the booty is relaxed and ready for further penetration.
Another way to tell if the booty is ready for penetration, is that the booty hole will actually wink at you when it’s ready for penetration. I know this sounds silly, but trust me. If the booty hole looks like it’s pursing its lips at you, it’s not ready for penetration. When it’s relaxed and has been stimulated to the point of welcoming penetration, the booty hole will subtly open and close like it’s winking at you, and this is a good indication that penetration can occur.
GOING DEEPER
When everyone involved is feeling ready for penetration, you can start to slowly go deeper into the booty with whatever form of penetration has been agreed upon.
Below are some tips for booty penetration:
LUBE
Again, lube is your friend. Never try any form of anal penetration without some form of lube handy and involved at all times.
SAFETY FIRST
Again, discussing types of barriers that feel good for all parties (finger condoms or latex non-powdered gloves for hands, condoms for penises or toys, etc). Everyone has different comfort levels with their booty holes, so be sure to check in on this prior to any partnered anal penetration.
STAY CLEAN
Once booty penetration has begun, be sure not to touch or penetrate other parts of the body (especially a vulva) with the same body part or toy that entered the booty. There’s a lot of booty bacteria that we don’t want entering other areas of the body, so keep things separate and clean.
CHECK-INS
Be sure to have check-ins throughout booty penetration, and agree with your partner(s) on how you’ll perform check-ins along the way prior to starting.
START SMALL
If you’re new to booty penetration, starting with a finger, a small butt plug, or an anal dilator is highly recommended, to get your body familiar with the sensations that come from this form of stimulation. Once you’ve got the hang of a finger, and perhaps a butt plug or dilator for several sessions, you’ll most likely feel more relaxed about something larger, like a dildo or a penis. Butt stuff is a journey, not a one-stop destination. Enjoy the evolution!
START SLOW
When starting to penetrate the booty in any way, go slow at first, and then find a pace that works for all parties involved.
PUSH OUT
I know this one sounds bizarre, but actually pushing out while receiving anal penetration is very helpful. By pushing out, your booty opens up more and allows for penises or toys to slide in more easily.
SWITCH POSITIONS
Play around with different positions until you find one that feels relaxing and pleasurable for you. There’s no “right” position for booty play, so long as you’re comfy and able to relax.
After your session, be sure to give your body (and your partner’s) some relaxing aftercare. A warm bath, some gentle movement, some cuddling or light massage might feel nice to help ease the muscles after penetration. Be sure that aftercare also extends past the physical to the emotional. Check in with yourself and your partner(s): How was that for you? What worked, and what didn’t? How is your body feeling? What can I do that would feel soothing for you?
THE POOP OF IT ALL
And finally, let’s be real, all forms of booty play come with the risk of poop, that’s just the reality of it, and it’s totally normal.
Let’s do our best to release any shame we might feel about this, and remember that sex is supposed to be playful, silly, messy, and sometimes body things happen. You might fart, there might be some poop, and that’s completely normal.
Baby wipes will be super helpful with the poop of it all. Just keep them on hand and use them as needed, and be sure that anything that gets a bit messy gets kept away from all other body parts (especially the vulva/vagina).
You can also start exploring butt stuff in a mess-safe place if that feels better for you. Doing your butt stuff in the bathtub or shower, or putting a mess-proof blanket down on the bed, can help ease mess related stress.
Also, don’t forget you can also take a break or stop at any point.
Written by Taylor Neal.
Taylor Neal (They/She) is a sex educator, writer, artist, embodiment counsellor, and frontline social support worker, who is passionate about combining their artistic and movement-based background with their work as a sexologist and embodiment counsellor to gain deeper understandings of authentic sexuality and pleasure from a queer, intersectional, feminist lens. Taylor is currently based in Sydney, NSW. To connect with her work further, find her on socials at @tnzzl__ or her website taylorneal.ca.
