‘Kink’ and ‘kinky’ are words that are thrown around quite regularly lately, but what do they actually mean?
A kink is technically any form of consensual, non-traditional sexual, sensual or intimate behaviour. Kinds of kinky play can include BDSM (bondage, discipline, domination, submission, sadism, masochism), erotic roleplay, fetishism and more.
A fetish is a narrow focus on a body part or object that is erotically stimulating and may be necessary for the person with the fetish to get off. Therefore, kink can be thought of as a broader term with fetishes fitting under the kink umbrella.
TO NAME A FEWAgoraphilia (sex in public)
- I love being called a good girl. Do you like being called any names during sex?
- I’ve noticed it turns me on when someone tells me I’m doing something well during sex. Are you open to saying something like ‘good job’ or ‘you’re so beautiful’ while we play?
- Have you ever tried exchanging compliments during sex? I’m kind of curious about this and started wondering if you would be open to that.
Remember, our play partner(s) may not be open to trying a kink of any kind with us, and it is important to anticipate and honour a “no” when you hear one. When someone else says “no”, this reinforces the fact that we can also say “no” and communicate our boundaries during sex. “Thank you for being honest with me” is a great response to hearing a “no” or “maybe” that encourages sexual communication around boundaries.
People who enjoy kink can experience stigma and taboo surrounding their desires and practices. Kink can incorrectly be thought of as some kind of disorder or trauma response - this is not the case! Although our kinks can play some kind of healing role in addressing our human wounds, there is nothing wrong, abnormal or unhealthy with kink or fetishes so long as everyone is consenting and wanting to be there. All we need for good sex is consent and pleasure. Kinky sex may involve more psychological pleasure than physical at times.
Stigma can create a barrier to help-seeking behaviour, however if you are looking for support with kink or general mental health, there are many kink-affirming sex therapists out there. You can always ask if kink-affirming care is available with a particular clinic or practitioner before booking an appointment. I recommend the research of Samuel Hughes if you are interested in learning more about kink identity, stigma and community, or Jesse Bering’s book ‘Perv: The Sexual Deviant in All of Us’.
Written by sexologist, Grace Crawford-Smith (@sexologywithgrace).
